You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
