1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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