if you like me you must not know who I am
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
