Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
