my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Randomize
