plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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