I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
