and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
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The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
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The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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