Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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