How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
