So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
