I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
