I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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