Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
