So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
