if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
