How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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