Dude my mom stole all your condoms
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
