Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
