Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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