My first STD was from a foam party
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
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My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
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When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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