I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
