I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
