Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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