Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
