who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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