Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
