It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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