His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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