life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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