Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
