i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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