Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
