I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
