My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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