I just pynch a tree in the face
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
