Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
