Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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