It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
whose ass print is on the piano?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
