Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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