i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
