i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
