Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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