i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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