btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
