2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
