I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The power of my boobs compel you
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
