Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
