she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
