i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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