OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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