I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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