Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
