my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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