I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
