Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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