Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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